Friday, October 07, 2011

The Spooklie Awards 2011

The Spooklie Awards are back! I created them in 2006 with the idea of turning them into an annual awards - much like those Nobel thingys - but, hey, things happen, and here it is five years later. Perhaps these awards are so special that they only come around every five years. Gives us a chance to get perspective on what's really scaring us. Anyway, that's my rationalization, so deal with it.

The purpose of the Spooklies, according to my brilliantly written 2006 post:
Scary things are all around us - not just in October - so I am hereby instituting awards that hold aloft the everyday creepy, spooky, and downright blood-curdling stuff of life - past and present, personal and collective, specific and general.
I'll have to shake the categories up a bit, since some of them will forever be won by the 2006 winners. For example, algebra is still the scariest school subject and always will be, so I'll retire that one. Now, drumroll - er, piercing scream - please, for this year's Spooklie Award winners:

Childhood Spooklies
Scariest Toddler Experience:
Life without Yo Gabba Gabba!. The world is just too scary without DJ Lance.

Scariest Words a Child Can Hear:
We're on our way to the doctor. And, yes, there'll be shots.

Scariest School Experience:
Throwing up in class. Disrupting class, disgusting your classmates, and pissing off the school custodian does wonders - in a scary way - for your formerly cool reputation.

"In The News" Scary
Scariest Current Events Tale:
9.1% unemployment. Unemployment means no money for rent and food, no benefits like health care, and constant self-doubt. Terrifying stuff.

Scariest US Politician (ensemble award):

Everyone currently in office and/or running for office, all parties, all political persuasions. You're scaring us to death, all y'all!

Scariest World Leader/Politician:
The Duchess of Alba. Not sure how much world-leading she does, I only know that I've had nightmares ever since I saw her wedding pictures. From extreme plastic surgery, good Lord, deliver us.

Scariest Weapon of Mass Destruction:
Reality television. We're doomed.

In the Privacy of Your Own Home Weirdities
Scariest Thing in the Refrigerator:
That two-month old sack of basil, now liquefied and sending off toxic fumes.

Scariest Bathroom Event:
A rat in the toilet, discovered during a middle-of-the-night trip to the loo. (Don't sit down!)

Scariest Television Show:
The last hour of the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda. (see Duchess of Alba nightmares) The frightening thing about Kathie Lee is, well, Kathie Lee. The scary thing about Hoda is that she sticks around.

Scariest Room in the House:
3-way tie: Attic. Basement. My closet. {Shiver}

Scariest Public Transportation Experience:
Entering a taxi filled with driver-farts, with farts continuing from LaGuardia to Midtown. And you have to travel the entire way with your head out of the window. I smell a remake of "The Fog."

Scariest Restaurant Experience:
Finishing up an excellent meal and discovering that the restaurant only takes cash (not unusual in NYC, BTW) and you have only $2.16 on you.

Scariest Work Experience:
Being constantly interrupted while trying to lunch at desk and play a scratch-off lottery game. Oh, the heartburn!

Scariest Vacation Experience:
A week at a spa run by Dr. Conrad Murray. Ah, those Propofol massages!

Do you have a few nominees of your own? You're welcome to add them to the list. Happy October!


Joy Des Jardins said...

Love your Spooklie Awards...but honestly the Dutchess of Alba is one of the scariest things I've every seen....Good God. Happy Fall sweet Mary... ~Joy

MaryB said...

Me, too, Joy! She is just terrifying.