After almost 2 weeks in California, I'm back in New York. The conference in Los Angeles was great, the wine-tasting fabulous, and the float in the middle of Lil Sis's pool unsurpassed. Still, it's wonderful to be home. Even though it's 94 degrees. Hey! It's New York in da' summa'. Whaddya want, eh?
Now, you know I couldn't experience cross-country air travel without a complaint session. But no. No. No complaints. Just a suggestion.
You know how we have format radio? R&B only. Hip-Hop only. Oldies only. (The downfall of radio in my mind, but I digress.) So here's my idea: Format Air Travel. Here's how it would work:
KidAir: Families traveling with children 10 years old or younger must take KidAir. It would also be open to everyone else (few takers, though, me thinks), but if you are 10 or younger or are traveling with little darlings, this is your new mode of air transportation. The little dears would be free to yell, scream, cry, throw things, run up and down the aisles, throw up junk food - all the things they do on regular airlines now, but parents and grandparents wouldn't have to even give the illusion of controlling their sweet offspring (as if they do, anyway).
ProAir: Reserved for seasoned travelers - business or otherwise. Must present well-used passport and show proof of frequent-flyer miles on at least 4 different airlines. Sorry occasional travelers going to Hawaii for the first time, ProAir is not for you. You will be taunted and driven from the gate if you even attempt to board. And boy, does the security line move! ProAir travelers know the 3-1-1 and to take their laptops out of the case. (If you don't know 3-1-1, then ProAir won't even take your reservation.)
PartyAir: For drunken football fans and teeny-bopper spring breakers. A more generic version of Hooters Air, PartyAir would cater for bean-brains of both genders and all ages (11 and over, of course - otherwise, see KidAir). Liquor would be free-flowing, everyone could talk as loud as they want, laugh till beer comes out their noses, wear bright Hawaiian shirts, and generally irritate people however you see fit. Woo-hoo!
SleepAir: You get on, find your seat, go to sleep. No noise. At all. No movies, no safety announcements, no annoying pilot travelogue telling you you're flying over the Grand Canyon - no noise period. You may read a book as long as you do it without turning on a light or making noise turning pages (so no magazines - too noisy). Shhhhhhhh! You're on SleepAir.
OK. That's my contribution to the enhancement of air travel. Sorry. Can't do anything about on-time departures/arrivals. Or weather delays.