Sunday, July 08, 2007

Format Air Travel

After almost 2 weeks in California, I'm back in New York. The conference in Los Angeles was great, the wine-tasting fabulous, and the float in the middle of Lil Sis's pool unsurpassed. Still, it's wonderful to be home. Even though it's 94 degrees. Hey! It's New York in da' summa'. Whaddya want, eh?

Now, you know I couldn't experience cross-country air travel without a complaint session. But no. No. No complaints. Just a suggestion.

You know how we have format radio? R&B only. Hip-Hop only. Oldies only. (The downfall of radio in my mind, but I digress.) So here's my idea: Format Air Travel. Here's how it would work:

KidAir: Families traveling with children 10 years old or younger must take KidAir. It would also be open to everyone else (few takers, though, me thinks), but if you are 10 or younger or are traveling with little darlings, this is your new mode of air transportation. The little dears would be free to yell, scream, cry, throw things, run up and down the aisles, throw up junk food - all the things they do on regular airlines now, but parents and grandparents wouldn't have to even give the illusion of controlling their sweet offspring (as if they do, anyway).

ProAir: Reserved for seasoned travelers - business or otherwise. Must present well-used passport and show proof of frequent-flyer miles on at least 4 different airlines. Sorry occasional travelers going to Hawaii for the first time, ProAir is not for you. You will be taunted and driven from the gate if you even attempt to board. And boy, does the security line move! ProAir travelers know the 3-1-1 and to take their laptops out of the case. (If you don't know 3-1-1, then ProAir won't even take your reservation.)

PartyAir: For drunken football fans and teeny-bopper spring breakers. A more generic version of Hooters Air, PartyAir would cater for bean-brains of both genders and all ages (11 and over, of course - otherwise, see KidAir). Liquor would be free-flowing, everyone could talk as loud as they want, laugh till beer comes out their noses, wear bright Hawaiian shirts, and generally irritate people however you see fit. Woo-hoo!

SleepAir: You get on, find your seat, go to sleep. No noise. At all. No movies, no safety announcements, no annoying pilot travelogue telling you you're flying over the Grand Canyon - no noise period. You may read a book as long as you do it without turning on a light or making noise turning pages (so no magazines - too noisy). Shhhhhhhh! You're on SleepAir.

OK. That's my contribution to the enhancement of air travel. Sorry. Can't do anything about on-time departures/arrivals. Or weather delays.


Chris said...

Great - now all you've got to do is find someone to sell you some planes and start up Mary Airways. You'll make a fortune and I'll be one of your first customers. If you promise to upgrade me.

MaryB said...

First class all the way, all the time for you, Chris! Darn, we've had some great ideas lately - first the bib, now this. All we need is a little capital . . . hmmmm.

Joy Des Jardins said...

Your contribution is the BOMB Mary! Remember Sky King? You'd be Sky Queen.

Anonymous said...

What about "Mile High Club Air" for the horny travlers? No seats, just WCs. Great also for the incontinent flyer.
"Chatty Air" for those who insist on conversation with total strangers.
"Masoquistic Air" It sits on the runway for hours and never leaves the ground. No food service, no water, the toilets are overflowing but everyone is having a good time.
"First Time Air" for the nervous first time flyers. Extra padding on the arm rests. XL barf bags.
(Your "sicko" Big Bro)
Glad you had a good trip.

Anonymous said...

LOL, MaryB. As usual, you have me laughing and enjoying. This is a tremendous idea. One of the best I've read in a long while from anyone anywhere! I'll also be one of your first customers!

MaryB said...

Ooh, Joy - Sky Queen! (Though there are some folks in the West Village that would dispute that fact!)

Bro - good to know I'm not the only twisted one in the family (as IF)! What about ChocolateAir? SpaAir? NudeAir (think how fast you could get through security!)?

Tamarika - think of how Format Air could've transformed your recent trip!

Em said...

I like SleepAir. That would be my preference. Can we just get a quick service of wine first..that would help me sleep. :)