Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A New Modest Proposal

Hm. How are we supposed to react to the news that there are more over-stuffed people than under-fed people in the world? Should we rejoice now that we fatties outnumber the starving? Ah, life is good.

Or, maybe, dammit, the world just needs to get back to the good old days when we had an over-abundance of hungry people! What are we expected to do with all that money that goes to feeding starving folk? No, no. This will not do! World economies and non-profit organizations will be thrown into chaos.

Perhaps we put a modern twist on Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," where he suggests the starving Irish fatten up their own children and sell them to rich folks to eat (or something like that). Seems to me, there's a way to even this all out using Jonathan's idea. Line up the morbidly obese people, and start slicing away. No need to kill them - plenty of fat to go around, doncha' know - just slice off bits here and there, then cure, smoke, poach, fry, bake. It could become the latest fad in plastic surgery and haute cuisine. Oh. And definitely save all liposuction fat. No telling what the likes of Gordon Ramsey or Jamie Oliver could create with that stuff.

Of course, I see a couple of problems looming. How to keep those of us who are already fat and sassy from consuming this new "food" instead of ensuring it goes to the world's under-fed? So it can't be made too, too trendy (Gordon and Jamie will need to tone it down a bit - fewer herbs and spices, perhaps?). Also, if you call this procedure "plastic surgery," folks will overwhelm the medical services. Without enough real surgeons to go around, hacks (hmm) will spring up all over the place - non-credentialed knife-wielders who won't understand the finer points of where to slice and re-sew.

Yes, we definitely need to work on the finer points of this. But with pleasingly plump people (who want to be skinny) outweighing in pounds and numbers the under-fed folks (who want to, shoot, just survive), something must be done! Got a better idea?


Winston said...


Want fries with that? Biggie size it for you?

MaryB said...

I could sooooooooo make a disgusting comment re: the fries and biggie size, but I'm trying to rein myself in.

- Talk amongst yerselves. -