Thursday, February 14, 2008

Under Penalty of Law

I've found my true calling. It is my mission in life to remove all "Do Not Remove" tags from pillows and mattresses in hotel and conference center rooms.

After an exhausting day of travel and having to be sparkly for the evening, I laid my weary head down on the pillow. Crackle-crackle! What? I turn my head. Crackle-crackle! Urgh! I reached my hand into the pillowcase and tore off the "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tag. Much better.

I turned over and pulled the covers around me. Crackle-crackle! Oh, no, not again! This crackle was louder and bulkier. Everytime I moved the covers, the sound got rougher and uglier. With a huff, I sat up and turned on the light. Where was this crackle coming from, I wondered? I got up and yanked off the blanket. There at the bottom of the bed was a whackin' great "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tag. One quick flick of the wrist, and it, too, was history.

Now, neither the mattress nor the pillow were new. How many good-hearted (but, obviously, authority-intimidated) Florida Episcopalians have suffered through the all-night tag crackles over the years? Hm?

People. Really. You can remove those tags once the item is purchased. Truly. There is no Pillow and Mattress Tag Penalty Division of the FBI. Trust me. Go on. Yank those suckers off. Now. No need to suffer through the nightly-crackles ever again. You are free, my friends. Free!

And while you're at it, go ahead and take the plastic coverings off your lamp shades.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Care to admit other acts of lawlessness while in the great state of Florida? Confession (some say) is good for the soul. Repent!

MaryB said...

Check the tag, Bub: "Under penalty of law this tag not to be removed EXCEPT BY CONSUMER." I was the consumer - I was sleeping on the darn things; how much more consumin' can ya' get? Now, go rip off a few tags of your own. Scoot.

Anonymous said...

I HATE THOSE TAGS!!! Thank you for proving to me....and everyone....that the 'tag police' don't come in and cuff you if you rip one of these precious tags off. ~Joy

chux said...

We do get those here, but they arnt half the size and detail of the one on your post.

The threatening language used too, it makes my wince. (under penalty of Law, its a damn pillow for goodness sakes) Is that an American thing? In my company which is american too they use the word Delinquent for when we get a little behind on a task, it is such an extreme way to speak and doesnt encourage respect.

glad you did the right thing and tore it off!! rebel!

MaryB said...

Joy - I knew you were a kindred rebellious spirit! Go, girl!

chux - It seems to me that if the reason for the tags in the first place is to protect the consumer from buying unsanitary/pre-used bedding, then it should be "under penalty of law" if you DON'T rip the things off once they're purchased. (Otherwise, how can you "officially" tell the new from the used?) And yes, I'm sure the tag-language (and words like "delinquent") was probably dictated by J. Edgar Hoover himself back in 1935.

Liz said...

Cor, you were brave, Mary!

Do they have those trolleys in supermarkets that have a label saying they mustn't go beyond a certain point as they are tagged? I would love to push one just beyond just to see what happens ... but I'm a scaredy-cat!

There's an award for you at my place!

Winston said...

Didya ever read "Portnoy's Complaint" (Philip Roth)? There's a scene where he goes berserk and pulls tags off the mattress and pillows. Not to mention his violation of a piece of calf's liver...

MaryB said...

Liz - Ooh, that trolley thing sounds tempting. Perhaps I shall do it next time I'm over, just to see what happens. I can always claim Yank-Ignorance, right? And I'm honored by any award you might give me, Liz!

Why, yes, Winston, I do seem to remember that little episode in Portnoy's Complaint. But I swear I've never biblically known any calf's liver.