Plane Truth

It's been a while since I've posted about the joys of air travel, so it's time I make a few practical suggestions and remind the public and the airlines of a some basics that seem to have fallen through the cracks.

To the airlines:

• If you have to explain to people how to buckle and unbuckle a seat belt, they should be considered a danger to others and shouldn't be allowed to fly. Seat belts have been required in cars and, certainly, airplanes for many decades, so the whole seat belt buckle-spiel should be dropped. Require people to demonstrate buckle knowledge at the gate, and then you can spend more time explaining the best way to evacuate via those inflatable slides. Now, that's worth explaining.
• Wifi should be free on flights and at your gates. Charging for that is just silly, so stop it. And, yeah, it can be a problem when all the passenger has is a ticket scan on a mobile phone but no wifi at the gate.
• Do not make hot tea in the same pot you brew/serve coffee. The tea will taste like coffee. Just give me a bag and hot water, and I'll do the damn thing myself. Thanks.
• I'm not going to waste my breath on things like seat width and flimsy tray tables, because you just don't want to hear it anymore. (Wanted to let you know that those are still huge problems, though.)

To passengers:

• Do not prop your stinky bare feet on the seat in front of you or on your tray table.  Do I really need to tell you this? Were your parents wolves? Pigs? Find another way to be comfortable during air travel. And bring socks if you want to take off your shoes. Especially if you've never had a pedicure in your life.
• Got a snoring problem or TB? The guy behind me practically blew the windows out during his 2 hour nap to Los Angeles this morning. When he woke up he coughed up a lung every few minutes. We are in a confined space, sitting way to close to each other, and earplugs only keep out so much noise. May I suggest a stage coach or covered wagon for your next trip west?
• I've paid for my seat, small as it is. I get the whole thing for myself - the seat, the back, and half of the armrest we share. Please remember that. Do not encroach on space you have not paid for. Thank you.
• Never, ever, ever store your bag in an overhead compartment behind where you're sitting. Do not let a flight attendant do this, either. If there is no room in a bin directly overhead or in front of you, you may as well just let the attendant check the bag. It's no use trying to swim downstream when everyone's trying to de-plane and you're fighting to retrieve a bag six rows behind you. Your only option is to wait until everyone else is off the plane. 
• Be nice. Give and take. Go all zen. It's the only way to hang on to your sanity when you fly.

OK. That's it for this edition of the Plane Truth. Just remember: be nice and bring socks. Oh, and if you think you see a monster on the wing, just have another glass of wine and forget about it.